PDX Urban Outdoorsman

     This morning at about 5AM I was awaken by a civilian who figured I would prefer a donut over sleep.  I wake to hear the question “Sir, would you like a donut?”.  Since this gentleman is unaware that I did not get to bed until shortly after 11PM last night I choose to be polite and tell him all I want is to sleep but thanks anyways.

     Many would think the episode to be over and would be wrong.

     This gentleman decided to leave the donut next to me on my bedroll.  While this may seem like a good idea what he really did was drop off some rat bait right next to my fucking head.

     While this mans heart may, I repeat may have been in the right place all he did was create inconvenience for me.

     In the future if you should decide to provide help for those living on the street where you live please think of a few things before doing so.

1.  We are just like you and need our sleep which can be more difficult in this situation
2. Just randomly dropping off food can create a good deal of problems such as attracting critters to ones camp.
3.  If you have the time go to one of your local service providers like a mission to possibly volunteer.
4.  If time is an issue for you consider making a donation to one of your local service providers in the way of blankets, sleeping bags or clothing.

     I know many will read these words and think I am a complete jerk for taking such an attitude.  Before doing so ask yourself if you would like being waken up by a complete stranger in the wee hours of the morning.  For those who still believe me to be an asshole please click here.

     As per usual, if this makes me a bad person so be it.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

     Last night after having laid out my bed-roll and gotten comfy for the night a scary thought occurred to me.  It’s actually amazing just how comfortable I have become living out here.  To many the thought of sleeping outside in 35º weather is unacceptable but I find it to be easy and quite comfortable.

     Sure it takes one mummy bag inside of another but I was toasty warm with the most striking skyline view of downtown PDX.  Many have suggested that I must really have my shit together to be able to accomplish this and to those I cannot help but laugh.  Honestly….  If  I really have my shit together do you think I would be out here?  All I have done is use some common sense in the decisions made out here.

     One of those decisions is that I must carry a monstrous backpack.  That is one capable of carrying two sleeping bags,  at least two changes of clothing,  various toiletries, misc crap and reading material.
     Another was to actually keep the gear that got me through the previous winter.  That being a good coat that is not only warm but also waterproof and sleeping gear.  I run into far to many who discard perfectly good equipment because of a change in the weather.  If you should ask these same people what their plans are for getting off the street you will receive nothing but a blank stare.  These are the same people I see who tell me how cold they were last night.  I really have no pity for these since they have created their own situation.
     The final decision is to ALWAYS sleep in an area that is covered.  Sure there were many nights during the summer I could have slept under the stars but I have to be practical.  Hell we all know if I was to choose an uncovered place I would be carpet bombed by geese because of their hatred for me.  Again, I run into far too many who tell me how all their gear got soaked because of the camp spot chosen.  Give me a break already!  Portland is known for rain.  Besides, just how difficult is it to take a look at the weather forecast at some point during the day.

As usual if my rather callous attitude means I am a bad person than so be it.

common sense: If there truly was such a thing wouldn’t we all have it?

     Remember me telling you about Suicide Bridge?  Now imagine this same bridge during the Halloween season.  With a height of 120 ft that spans the TriMet MAX lightrail it’s a wonderful site to drop pumpkins from with the hope of hitting the train.  Luckily for myself and a camp mate the bombers were not too damn good at sighting in their target.

     I could just imagine the police showing up too late to catch the punkin chuckers and seeing myself and PuddleJumper as good targets to place blame upon.  Granted it would soon be obvious we had nothing to do with the flying gourd but the attention is something we have no need for.

     Needless to say we are not going to be camping their for awhile until the holiday festivities have come to an end.

     Given the opportunity I would gladly drop a pumpkin on the assholes who thought this to be a good idea.  To those who believe me to be an asshole for having this desire I suggest you address me as Mr. Asshole.  If this makes me a bad person so be it.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

A name has been changed to protect the innocent.

So this past Sunday brought with it yet another of the many runs, walks, rides, mosies that are for the most part nothing but stupidity in the name of some damn cause/cure/war against whatever. In preparation for the event City Officials decided it nessassary to completely fence off the only public bathrooms serving the down town area in Lowndale Park a good 36 hours prior the “The Running of the Morons” aka Portland Marathon.

In defense of the twit who made this idea come to fruition there were Port-O-Lets. Did I mention that the Port-O-Lets were locked? All I could think is “please, don’t let me kill again”.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

     Being run off from the place I have decided to sleep is a reality of the life I live that must be accepted.  All I ask is to simply be treated with some basic respect all people would and should expect.

     Here is a rundown of my Saturday night from about 11:30pm until 3:00am.

     I showed up at my sleeping spot and started to roll out my bedroll.  While doing so a Portland Patrol officer rode by and we made eye contact.  After reading for about 30 minutes I was slipping into my sleeping bag when the same Portland Patrol officer rolled by and again made eye contact with me.  At this point it is about 12:00am and I figure there is no trouble with me sleeping in this spot.  WRONG!  At 2:30am the same Portland Patrol officer wakes me to inform me I can not sleep there.  How do I know it is the same officer?  He admits so when I ask and then does not want to make eye contact with me. What a bastard.

     To make matters worse this pinhead is wearing a full face ski mask.  All he needed was riot gear for a more intimidating look.  First off I’m disoriented because I am waking up and to top it off I have to deal with some faceless jerk.  If it was winter and the temperature was cold I would understand but that was not the case.  It was in the 60s that night damnit!  Even it the weather was cold he could have removed the ski mask prior to dealing with me. 

     I know I have bitched and moaned about Portland Patrol on occasion before and it may seem as though I hate them all but that is far from the truth.  Just this morning I was awaken by one of my favorite Portland Patrol officers who will remain nameless.  This officer has always treated me with nothing but respect.  Many times in the past he has stopped just to shoot the bull for no reason what-so-ever.  To him and those like him I tip my hat.

     I guess that is enough of my complaining for now.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

There is this guy I hang out with named John who is just your average every day kinda guy.  That is until you strap a backpack onto him at which point he becomes (insert superhero intro music here) ”You Poor Bastard”.  A man with the ability to have strangers offer any manner of help without solicitation.  He can be sitting on a bench and people will walk up and offer him food, money, tobacco and what-not.  Place me on the same bench and people just see some guy with no needs.  While I do not really have any needs to be addressed by the general public walking by it would be nice to be “You Poor Bastard” once in a while.

     I have yet to figure out just what it is that causes others to see him as “You Poor Bastard” unless it is triggered be pheromones.  If I am correct this could be a marketable commodity.  While some may see the market for such a product to be rather small I see it to be quite large.

Business men: Say he needs to pitch a bad idea with a poor presentation that would normally be laughed out of the board.  With a splash of ”You Poor Bastard” his audience would be captured by the idea and his worth to the company would skyrocket.

Sales men: This guy would be able to sell even the most hardcore penny pincher on that great rust preventative undercoating for the new car being offered eventually making him salesman of the month.

Contractor: Instead of adding just a bedroom the customer would like the idea of a rumpus room, media room, new family room and wet bar for each of these additions.

The product would be sold as a scent called (are you ready?) Success.
OK, maybe I need a dash of Success to get this idea off and running. Is that a paradox?

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

Disclaimer: This post is not for the weak of heart.  Continue at your own risk.

     Last night before bedding down for the night myself and John decided to play a few hands of rummy.  While doing so another friend, Dave shows up and stays for a while to burn some time.  About 20 to 30 minutes after Dave arrives he points down the street and says “LOOK AT THAT!”.  Because I have a habit of following directions I take a gander at the direction he is pointing and am provided with the view of some damn drunk who has decided to defecate* of the sidewalk.

     I have not one but two issues with what had happened.  First off would be the drunks choice of places to relieve himself and second would be Dave suggesting we take a look.  C’mon Dave, all you had to do was tell us because we would have believed you.

     You may not be aware but the is an art to defecating sans toilet.  Number one rule is to be sure the fecal matter does not, I repeat not fall into your pants that are now at your ankles. All other rules regard what you choose to use instead of toilet paper which I will not discuss here except to say you need to be aware of what poison oak, poison ivy and poison sumac look like.

     Having mentioned it you have to know the drunk violated the first rule.  actually I could only guess at the time because the sidewalk was not soiled.  This morning my suspicions were confirmed.  After having put together my bedroll and cleaned up the area I saw the drunk again on my morning walk.  He looked at me and asked “What’s your problem?”.  I told him I had no problem but he might have one when he sat up.  Of course he did sit up and the look on his face was abso-f***ing-lutely priceless.

3 cans Four Loco – $8.47
Quality time spent with friends – free
The look on your face when you realize you have shat yourself – PRICELESS!

For those who do not know what defecate means here are some other phrases used instead of the word defecate.
* A sewer snake to release
* Anaconda action
* Arsefire
* Back one out
* Backing the big brown motor home out of the garage
* Baiting the trap
* Becoming the porcelain assassin
* Blasting a dookie
* Blinking
* Blow one out – Also flatulence
* Blow the load
* BM (Bowel Movement. Quoted by Donkey in Shrek 2.)
* Boo-Boo
* Boom Boom
* Bomb the porcelain sea
* Building a log cabin
* Burn a mule
* Caca
* Carpet Bombing Afghanistan
* Chocolate time!
* Cripping a crapple
* Crowning
* Curling one off
* Cutting rope
* Deceiver of Farts
* De-corking the borking
* Deucing
* Dirty squirties
* Doing brown
* Doing some spring cleaning
* Dominating
* Doo-Doo
* Doodey
* Download a brownload
* Dr. Benjamin Fartlin
* Dropping a dook
* Dropping a bomb
* Dropping a deuce
* Dropping a hoopsnake
* Dropping a jolst
* Dropping a load
* Dropping anchor
* Dropping bass (\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\”base\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\” as in the opposite of treble. Not the fish.)
* Dropping logs
* Dropping some friends off at the pool
* Dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl
* Dropping the kids off at the pool
* Dropping the Mexican Boll Weevil
* Dropping the weights
* Dropping wax
* Faxing a shit to the toilet machine
* Feeding the seagulls (politer version of \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”Feeding the shitehawks\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\”)
* Feeding the toilet
* Fertilising the plants (refers to defecating outdoors and on the ground, such as while camping)
* Filing some papers
* Filling the bowl
* Fire away
* Freeing me chocolate hostages
* Giving birth
* Giving birth to a chocolate baby boy
* Giving birth to a healthy brown baby
* Giving birth to the black eel
* Giving birth to the Spineless Brownfish
* Giving birth to an African
* Going Boom Boom
* Going poop
* Going to meet Jim Davidson
* Going to number two
* Going to have a talk with Mr.Hanky
* Growing a tail
* Hanging a rat
* Hungry Hungry Hippos
* Having a Code Brown (at work)
* Kurt Bevacqua
* Launching torpedoes
* Laying a brick
* Laying a brownie
* Laying a cable
* Laying a Hank
* Laying a turd
* Laying some wolf bait
* Lengthening the spine
* Letting loose
* Letting the toilet know who’s boss
* Letting the dogs out
* Lift tail (used commonly among members of the furry fandom)
* Logging
* Logging into the toilet and making a huge download
* Logging out
* Load your pants
* Lose some weight (Also used in urination)
* Making a tail
* Making an appointment with Dr. John
* Making a deposit in the Porcelain Bank
* Making gravy
* Making logs (or a log)
* Making waves
* Makin’ bears
* Monopoly!
* Montezuma’s Revenge (traveller?s diarrhorea)
* Number two (a portable toilet company advertises itself as \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”Number One in Number Two\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\”; a Midwest plumbing company proclaims, \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”We’re Number One in a Number Two Business.\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\”)
* Pebble-dashing the porcelain
* Pinching (off) a loaf
* Pinching a yam
* Pinch-hitting for Kurt Bevacqua (a reference to the old brown uniforms worn in the 1970’s and 1980’s by the San Diego Padres.)
* Poo-Poo
* Poopy Doo
* Poppin a gooky
* Producing some output
* Pump a clump of dump out of my rump
* Punching a growler
* Punishing the porcelain
* Punishing the toilet
* Put food in the dog’s water
* Releasing a depth charge
* Releasing a Dungbomb (from Harry Potter)
* Releasing the hostages
* Releasing the Kraken
* Ride a pony and trap
* Ring of fire
* Sacrificing to the Toilet/Porcelain god
* Saturday morning special
* Scatter bombing
* Shitting bricks (Houses or apartments as substitutes for higher quantity.)
* Showering the room with roses
* Shtounga
* Slopping gruel in Oliver’s bowl
* Speaking with the arabs (When whoever is listening asks \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”what\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\” the toiletee replies \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”Mustapha Crap!\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\”)
* Spray-painting the porcelain
* Squirt juice
* Stalling a brown sedan
* Studying one’s Process Design notes (refers to Environmental Engineering Process Design, a course taught to civil and environmental engineering undergraduates and that deals with, among other topics, the design of wastewater treatment facilities)
* Taking a brew
* Taking a crap (see also Mr. Thomas Crapper)
* Taking a dump
* Taking a Nixon (used by Kinky Friedman in his detective novels)
* Taking a poo
* Taking a shit (a coarse expression, not a euphemism)
* Taking a slam
* Taking a Tarzan (crapping in the woods/forest)
* Taking the Browns to the Superbowl
* Taking the Cosby kids to the pool
* Taking the morning curl
* Throwing up backwards
* Tuesday Afternoons
* Turtle time (see Turtle Action)
* Uni(I’ve got to take an uni)
* Unlikely Traveler (Defecation, usually on vacation, when you defacate in your pants away from a toilet)
* Unload
* Unloading a batch of cigars
* UH-OH! (Peter Griffin again; is incontinent at awkward moments)
* Visiting Boston
* vote for president.
* Take a Critical Ambient to the Lab
* Upgrading my Thetan Level

Last night as I was walking down Taylor St. a younger woman waved and said hello as she pasted by.  It took a moment before I rememberd where I had seen her and it turned out she is one of the employees at Hot Lips Pizza who takes out the left over pizza after closing.  Lately she has also been bringing out a pizza box so I will have something to easily carry my dinner.  She is always very pleasant and shares a little small talk while doing what she has to do out back.

There are a good many people I encounter on a daily basis and most who I have seen on the street at other times make a point of not seeing me for fear others may judge them for interacting with someone of my ilk.  It’s amazing how such a small gesture made a positive impact on my evening.  The next time I see her I will make a point of letting her know just how much I appreciated her recognition.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

p.s.
I was told my logic as to people not giving me eye contact was possibly flawed so on my way to the library I decided to see who was right.  Guess what folks, I was wrong.  Mark this day on your calender because I will do what I can to keep this from happening again.

In our society people for the most part avoid eye contact with strangers regardless of social and economic standing.  Sure my initial observation was accurate but what I surmised was incorrect.  Thankyou Seeker for allowing me to see the errors of my ways.

Does this change the good feeling I got from the experience?  Not at all.  But it has taught me not to be so critical of the initial reactions of others.

Sure I could have just deleted the post but I chose not to because I am such a great guy*.

*can you smell the bullshit?

     So last night I was coming back from a meeting in north Portland on the MAX train.  Since I was broke I had not paid the fare.  When The train stopped at Mississippi avenue fare inspectors entered the train and I quickly departed the other end.  I was almost off the platform when one of the inspectors called out to me wanting to see proof of payment.  I had a choice at this point, I could either lie about the fare machine not working or tell the truth and hope for the best.  When I was younger I would have attempted the lie but today I know better.

     The officer asked why I did not have the fare.  My response was plain and simple, “I just don’t have it.  I’m broke and needed to get somewhere and rode the train without paying”  The officer told me that was about as honest as it gets and did not ask for ID but instead gave me a courtesy ticket that was good for an hour to get where I needed to go.  He also told me he did not want to see again that night which sounded like a fantastic idea to me.

     There is a very simple lesson to be learned here and that is those in a position authority are not the enemy. Most police/security/whatever would prefer not have any trouble as much as you or I.  Give an officer respect and you will generally get that same respect in return.  Even if I had received a ticket for the offense I would still feel the same.  Most of my friends have no understanding of my logic no matter how I try to explain it

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

Don’t you love it when people choose to ignore good advice?  Last night when I was bedding down for the evening some people showed up for the same reason.  The spot they picked was close to a catch basin where storm runoff would soak their belongings.  Being the wonderful person I am I suggested they may not want to set up where they where.  The response I received was rather colorful to say the least.  I was told they would bed down any damn place they pleased and there was nothing I could do about it.

Around three a.m. I woke to find they were gone and a river running through where they were.  I smiled and went back to sleep.

If this makes me a bad person so be it.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman