PDX Urban Outdoorsman

     So I’m walking down the street minding my own business when I see them, the herd.  Herds are a group of people who for one reason or another feel the need to occupy the entire sidewalk from the curb to building.  Generally these groups will see somebody coming and easily make way but not always.  Every now and again you may have to ask to get by which is no trouble.  Then there are the ones like I met this morning.  

First I say ”excuse me”.
Then I say “pardon me” a little louder.
Finally I say “Get The F*** Out of My Damn WAY!”

For this I am told I’m inconsiderate among other things.  Am I wrong for getting bothered by these people?  If so I can live with that.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

     There was a time when it was generally kept hidden.
     There was a time when it was considered distasteful.
     There was a time when one would turn their head to avoid seeing it.

     Considering these factors what would lead people to start displaying it?

     What I am talking about is plumbers cleavage.

     Is this really an unreasonable request?!?

When you fill your nalgene 4 times with orange juice within a 24 hr period sleep is not an option.

1 nalgene = 32+ oz
multiply that by four and you get 128+ oz
128+ oz = more than a damn gallon
more than a damn gallon = gotta pee all damn night long.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

     It happened a couple of weeks ago but I am only now coming to terms with the fight for my life.  It was a clear night and I was wide awake so reading a couple of chapters seemed like a good idea.  Little did I know this decision would save my life.

     On that night as I read I caught some movement from the corner of my left eye.  Down by my leg was what appeared to be the worlds largest arachnid, and it was trying to kill me.  When the two of us made eye contact I could see murder in its beady little eyes.  I know many of you will scoff at what I say and tell me the spider was more afraid than I was.  BULLSHIT!  Unless you were there you were there I do not want to hear it, period…

     The battle was over quickly because of my superior skills.  OK, I lifted my feet and just kinda stomped the little minion of Satan.  Regardless of that I was the victor and have not been challenged since.  It’s amazing how quickly word travels, even within the social circles of spiders.

     Actually unchallenged is not completely accurate if you count the centipede and raccoon.  The centipede was no trouble so I just kinda flicked it away and it has yet to return.  Now the raccoon is another story altogether.  This little bastard continues to show up begging for handouts.  I’m willing to say others have fed him so there is very little fear of humans for this one.  My only recourse has been to use my flashlight to shine in his eyes because nothing else seems to bother him.  How could a kind and just God make an animal that could thrash the bejeesus out of me be so damned adorable.  I’m sorry but that’s just not right.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

p.s.
So it might not have been the worlds largest arachnid but it was f***ing HUGE.

Things are going to be different when I’m in charge.

Consider yourself warned.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman