PDX Urban Outdoorsman

Disclaimer: This post is not for the weak of heart.  Continue at your own risk.

     Last night before bedding down for the night myself and John decided to play a few hands of rummy.  While doing so another friend, Dave shows up and stays for a while to burn some time.  About 20 to 30 minutes after Dave arrives he points down the street and says “LOOK AT THAT!”.  Because I have a habit of following directions I take a gander at the direction he is pointing and am provided with the view of some damn drunk who has decided to defecate* of the sidewalk.

     I have not one but two issues with what had happened.  First off would be the drunks choice of places to relieve himself and second would be Dave suggesting we take a look.  C’mon Dave, all you had to do was tell us because we would have believed you.

     You may not be aware but the is an art to defecating sans toilet.  Number one rule is to be sure the fecal matter does not, I repeat not fall into your pants that are now at your ankles. All other rules regard what you choose to use instead of toilet paper which I will not discuss here except to say you need to be aware of what poison oak, poison ivy and poison sumac look like.

     Having mentioned it you have to know the drunk violated the first rule.  actually I could only guess at the time because the sidewalk was not soiled.  This morning my suspicions were confirmed.  After having put together my bedroll and cleaned up the area I saw the drunk again on my morning walk.  He looked at me and asked “What’s your problem?”.  I told him I had no problem but he might have one when he sat up.  Of course he did sit up and the look on his face was abso-f***ing-lutely priceless.

3 cans Four Loco – $8.47
Quality time spent with friends – free
The look on your face when you realize you have shat yourself – PRICELESS!

For those who do not know what defecate means here are some other phrases used instead of the word defecate.
* A sewer snake to release
* Anaconda action
* Arsefire
* Back one out
* Backing the big brown motor home out of the garage
* Baiting the trap
* Becoming the porcelain assassin
* Blasting a dookie
* Blinking
* Blow one out – Also flatulence
* Blow the load
* BM (Bowel Movement. Quoted by Donkey in Shrek 2.)
* Boo-Boo
* Boom Boom
* Bomb the porcelain sea
* Building a log cabin
* Burn a mule
* Caca
* Carpet Bombing Afghanistan
* Chocolate time!
* Cripping a crapple
* Crowning
* Curling one off
* Cutting rope
* Deceiver of Farts
* De-corking the borking
* Deucing
* Dirty squirties
* Doing brown
* Doing some spring cleaning
* Dominating
* Doo-Doo
* Doodey
* Download a brownload
* Dr. Benjamin Fartlin
* Dropping a dook
* Dropping a bomb
* Dropping a deuce
* Dropping a hoopsnake
* Dropping a jolst
* Dropping a load
* Dropping anchor
* Dropping bass (\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\”base\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\” as in the opposite of treble. Not the fish.)
* Dropping logs
* Dropping some friends off at the pool
* Dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl
* Dropping the kids off at the pool
* Dropping the Mexican Boll Weevil
* Dropping the weights
* Dropping wax
* Faxing a shit to the toilet machine
* Feeding the seagulls (politer version of \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”Feeding the shitehawks\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\”)
* Feeding the toilet
* Fertilising the plants (refers to defecating outdoors and on the ground, such as while camping)
* Filing some papers
* Filling the bowl
* Fire away
* Freeing me chocolate hostages
* Giving birth
* Giving birth to a chocolate baby boy
* Giving birth to a healthy brown baby
* Giving birth to the black eel
* Giving birth to the Spineless Brownfish
* Giving birth to an African
* Going Boom Boom
* Going poop
* Going to meet Jim Davidson
* Going to number two
* Going to have a talk with Mr.Hanky
* Growing a tail
* Hanging a rat
* Hungry Hungry Hippos
* Having a Code Brown (at work)
* Kurt Bevacqua
* Launching torpedoes
* Laying a brick
* Laying a brownie
* Laying a cable
* Laying a Hank
* Laying a turd
* Laying some wolf bait
* Lengthening the spine
* Letting loose
* Letting the toilet know who’s boss
* Letting the dogs out
* Lift tail (used commonly among members of the furry fandom)
* Logging
* Logging into the toilet and making a huge download
* Logging out
* Load your pants
* Lose some weight (Also used in urination)
* Making a tail
* Making an appointment with Dr. John
* Making a deposit in the Porcelain Bank
* Making gravy
* Making logs (or a log)
* Making waves
* Makin’ bears
* Monopoly!
* Montezuma’s Revenge (traveller?s diarrhorea)
* Number two (a portable toilet company advertises itself as \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”Number One in Number Two\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\”; a Midwest plumbing company proclaims, \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”We’re Number One in a Number Two Business.\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\”)
* Pebble-dashing the porcelain
* Pinching (off) a loaf
* Pinching a yam
* Pinch-hitting for Kurt Bevacqua (a reference to the old brown uniforms worn in the 1970’s and 1980’s by the San Diego Padres.)
* Poo-Poo
* Poopy Doo
* Poppin a gooky
* Producing some output
* Pump a clump of dump out of my rump
* Punching a growler
* Punishing the porcelain
* Punishing the toilet
* Put food in the dog’s water
* Releasing a depth charge
* Releasing a Dungbomb (from Harry Potter)
* Releasing the hostages
* Releasing the Kraken
* Ride a pony and trap
* Ring of fire
* Sacrificing to the Toilet/Porcelain god
* Saturday morning special
* Scatter bombing
* Shitting bricks (Houses or apartments as substitutes for higher quantity.)
* Showering the room with roses
* Shtounga
* Slopping gruel in Oliver’s bowl
* Speaking with the arabs (When whoever is listening asks \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”what\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\” the toiletee replies \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”Mustapha Crap!\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\”)
* Spray-painting the porcelain
* Squirt juice
* Stalling a brown sedan
* Studying one’s Process Design notes (refers to Environmental Engineering Process Design, a course taught to civil and environmental engineering undergraduates and that deals with, among other topics, the design of wastewater treatment facilities)
* Taking a brew
* Taking a crap (see also Mr. Thomas Crapper)
* Taking a dump
* Taking a Nixon (used by Kinky Friedman in his detective novels)
* Taking a poo
* Taking a shit (a coarse expression, not a euphemism)
* Taking a slam
* Taking a Tarzan (crapping in the woods/forest)
* Taking the Browns to the Superbowl
* Taking the Cosby kids to the pool
* Taking the morning curl
* Throwing up backwards
* Tuesday Afternoons
* Turtle time (see Turtle Action)
* Uni(I’ve got to take an uni)
* Unlikely Traveler (Defecation, usually on vacation, when you defacate in your pants away from a toilet)
* Unload
* Unloading a batch of cigars
* UH-OH! (Peter Griffin again; is incontinent at awkward moments)
* Visiting Boston
* vote for president.
* Take a Critical Ambient to the Lab
* Upgrading my Thetan Level

If you have been reading my blog you know I was sleeping under the Hawthorne Bridge awhile ago.  As most things are cyclical so are the places I am allowed to sleep.  Under the Hawthorne are many concrete pillars, the concrete roadway above and the concrete ground below where I lay myself down for the night.  Having that much concrete around makes for an accustic nightmare with all the echos.

Now, imagine you are asleep sometime around two in the morning, all warm and comfy.  Now imagine that while you where dead to the world a number of geese decided to become your “roommates”.  It seems just the action of rolling over in your sleep is enough to give these damn birds a reason to start honking as iff their lives had been threatened.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9AqyBEvFyE]

As you can further imagine I was brought out of the most wonderful slumber to find I was surrounded by these geese that were perhaps four feet from me. You will never really understand the size of these animals until you deal with something like this.  I am happy I do not suffer from spastic colon disorder otherwise I probably would have shat myself right then and there.

I am quite willing to believe some of you thought I was going to write about something completely different when you saw the title of this post.
My apologies for getting your hopes up you pervs.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbandoutdoorsman.